A Motherless Mother’s Day
This post is coming a tad late because frankly, I couldn’t bring myself to write it. Sunday was Mother’s Day. The one day of the year besides my birthday when I don’t have to do anything. And please don’t misunderstand me, with my kids it was lovely. Until last night when my daughter got sick. But I woke up crying because my first thought was OMG it’s Mother’s Day and my Mom is dead! There’s not a thing I can do about it. I can cry, scream and yell but it won’t change the fact that the woman who made me who I am is gone.
I wish I could write some eloquent post on how I handled the day with grace, but I would be lying. I cried!!! I cried when I woke up, I cried through church, I made it through brunch but when I got home, you guessed it I cried. I cried because I want to tell her everything about my life. "Look mom, I finally quit that job I hated because of the shift, and now I am scared to death. What should I do?" "Mom, McKinley has been sick a little longer than I expected, should I take her in?" "Mom, marriage is tough, I mean like really hard, how did you not kill dad in 51 years of marriage?" Everyday since February 1st, 2018 has been one giant "your moms not here" kick in the teeth. I physically get jealous when I see a person in their eighties. Like how are you here, my mom was only 72. I know that sounds awful and truly I am happy for any 80 year old still living and in 8 years I hope my dad is among them, but this is tough.
When I went to brunch on Mother's Day it was perfectly lovely. My husband is the Chef, so of course the food was amazing. But there we sat, My two kids, my father and I. One little group of "Grandmas not here" Mother's Day fun. We ate, we enjoyed our time together, we commented on how great the food was, all the while noticing the burning empty space that should have been my moms chair. When I got home I hid in my room and played Ed Sheerhans "Supermarket Flowers" and Donna Taggort's "Jealous of the Angels" on repeat and I cried. No I moaned. I cried like I hadn't cried since immediately following her death. All the while praying my daughter didn't walk in because I didn't want her to see me like that.
My grandmother passed away on 3/22/17, and I thought I knew grief. She was 94, lived a great life but we were close. So close in fact that I named my daughter after my grandfather and we live in her old home. Do not get me wrong, I miss her ......a lot. However, she was 94, had a great life, and was a wonderful Christian woman (as was my mom). But she was 94, my mom was 72! 72 year old women are not supposed to die on a random Thursday morning when their families think they are getting better.
The truth is that it did happen, my mom is dead and I have to learn to move forward. I have to learn to help my dad move forward. It is not a choice, it is simply what is. You know the old addage "you never know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have." 150% accurate. The majority of people do not chose to have a motherless Mother's Day, a motherless life, it is just what is. I have had to learn to even say it. "My mom is dead." "Did you hear my mom passed away?" "No that’s not my mom, that's my mother in law, my moms dead" I find myself compelled to tell total strangers, or bring it up at random 4th grade events. "Yes we will be at the spring fair. If I'm not crying that day because My mom is dead." I even, no lie blurted it out in a job interview last week! (note to self, do not tell random interview lady that your mom is dead, she really does not care!!!!!"
So on Mother's Day and many other Holiday's I know I am going to have to face, cut the motherless among us some slack. Call a friend who you know has lost a parent, send her a text, just be there. The same for those who have lost spouses, or my worst nightmare a child. Please know that we are trying. We are truly trying. We know that you many not want to hear about our grief, but may blurt it out anyways. Just be there. I am so thankful for all the friends I have that have lost someone and were able to offer me some advice, a shoulder to cry on, and to say, I am here.
I wish I could write some eloquent post on how I handled the day with grace, but I would be lying. I cried!!! I cried when I woke up, I cried through church, I made it through brunch but when I got home, you guessed it I cried. I cried because I want to tell her everything about my life. "Look mom, I finally quit that job I hated because of the shift, and now I am scared to death. What should I do?" "Mom, McKinley has been sick a little longer than I expected, should I take her in?" "Mom, marriage is tough, I mean like really hard, how did you not kill dad in 51 years of marriage?" Everyday since February 1st, 2018 has been one giant "your moms not here" kick in the teeth. I physically get jealous when I see a person in their eighties. Like how are you here, my mom was only 72. I know that sounds awful and truly I am happy for any 80 year old still living and in 8 years I hope my dad is among them, but this is tough.
When I went to brunch on Mother's Day it was perfectly lovely. My husband is the Chef, so of course the food was amazing. But there we sat, My two kids, my father and I. One little group of "Grandmas not here" Mother's Day fun. We ate, we enjoyed our time together, we commented on how great the food was, all the while noticing the burning empty space that should have been my moms chair. When I got home I hid in my room and played Ed Sheerhans "Supermarket Flowers" and Donna Taggort's "Jealous of the Angels" on repeat and I cried. No I moaned. I cried like I hadn't cried since immediately following her death. All the while praying my daughter didn't walk in because I didn't want her to see me like that.
My grandmother passed away on 3/22/17, and I thought I knew grief. She was 94, lived a great life but we were close. So close in fact that I named my daughter after my grandfather and we live in her old home. Do not get me wrong, I miss her ......a lot. However, she was 94, had a great life, and was a wonderful Christian woman (as was my mom). But she was 94, my mom was 72! 72 year old women are not supposed to die on a random Thursday morning when their families think they are getting better.
The truth is that it did happen, my mom is dead and I have to learn to move forward. I have to learn to help my dad move forward. It is not a choice, it is simply what is. You know the old addage "you never know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have." 150% accurate. The majority of people do not chose to have a motherless Mother's Day, a motherless life, it is just what is. I have had to learn to even say it. "My mom is dead." "Did you hear my mom passed away?" "No that’s not my mom, that's my mother in law, my moms dead" I find myself compelled to tell total strangers, or bring it up at random 4th grade events. "Yes we will be at the spring fair. If I'm not crying that day because My mom is dead." I even, no lie blurted it out in a job interview last week! (note to self, do not tell random interview lady that your mom is dead, she really does not care!!!!!"
So on Mother's Day and many other Holiday's I know I am going to have to face, cut the motherless among us some slack. Call a friend who you know has lost a parent, send her a text, just be there. The same for those who have lost spouses, or my worst nightmare a child. Please know that we are trying. We are truly trying. We know that you many not want to hear about our grief, but may blurt it out anyways. Just be there. I am so thankful for all the friends I have that have lost someone and were able to offer me some advice, a shoulder to cry on, and to say, I am here.
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